I miss you. You would have been 59 today. It's not fair.
Funny how when I think of you I feel you near me. Sometimes I smell your smell, or swear I heard you laugh, when I am all alone. It makes me miss you worse, but also makes me happy to know you are here with me.
I heard "Whiter Shade of Pale" today. I thought of us dancing to "Old Time Rock-n-Roll" countless times in my life. I wanted to get you the card I have given you every year for years in a row now, but I don't even have the strength to do it this week. You know the one, the card where the little girls feet are standing on her dad's while they are dancing... I think I bought it 5 years in a row. It makes me think of you.
I wish you were here so I could tell you Lyric pooped on the potty this week. You would have made such a big deal over it. I wish you were here to smooch Liberty when she tells you about her bad dreams, or her aceing every spelling test this year. I wish you could watch Lib ride her bike. I wish you could sing the ABC's with Lyric. She can count to 12 now. I wish you were here to hold Mom. I wish you were here to help Jade finish his house, or chat with Mandy at the kitchen table. I wish you were here to see Jacob pitch for the 8th grade team, though he is in 7th grade. I wish you were here to see Griffin's team win their championship. I wish you could laugh your laugh at Dylan zooming through the house like a superhero. I wish Brandt could snuggle into your neck. I wish you could help Jordan with his summer projects. I wish you could welcome Jenelle back from Seattle. I wish you were here to talk work with Troy. I wish you were here to encourage me in my successes and push me through my stressors. I wish you were physically here to hug me with your dirty jeans and work boots on. I wish you were here.
I know you are here, but I am so jealous of God. I hope He is hugging you and kissing you for every moment we all think of you. Because I know you would be in a constant embrace. I just can't find a grip this week. I feel like I'm losing my footing the closer July gets. It only makes me miss you more.
I ache everytime something wonderful happens to our family. I feel like you are missing out.
I feel like I wear you on me, some days. Like you are closer than skin. Some days, I feel like you are a distance from me and I can't reach you. Those are the days when the waves of grief crash down on me. You always come back to me. That's what you have always done for me. Never giving up.
For your birthday, I want you to visit me in my dream. Like the dream I had of us in the heavenly garden. I want to dance with you again. For my birthday, I want you to visit Mom. I want you to kiss her and hold her and let it last from the moment she falls asleep to the moment she wakes up so it feels like you were with her all night. For my birthday, make sure Mom feels you around her. That's all I want for my birthday.
I love you, Dad. Forever. Enjoy your birthday in Heaven, and we will celebrate it here on earth.