Friday, June 14, 2013

No, I did not forget my blog password. I just didn't want to talk.

I've found that I start nearly every couple blogs (Which are few and far between these days) with an "It's been a while" or some sentance of the kind.

That makes me want to vomit, to be quite honest. I'm always better when I write. But this has been a post that has been looming, and I'll tell you why soon. And this may or may not be a tear jerker, Mom, so please grab the tissues, as I am sure you are probably the only one who is going to read this. Don't worry; you will still be proud of me.

When I entered this profession I did it not as a portrait photographer, which no one really knows, because no one really asks. In fact, the opposite usually happens and people assume that I picked up a camera at the age of (enter absurd age here) and have never stopped. That isn't the case, and is the same story you hear from everyone who has ever held a camera and felt a passion after they took their first inspiring image that they got oohs and ahhs over. I, in fact, entered this profession with the intention of fine art. Mostly photographing horses, or anything really, that grabbed my attention. I have really crazy ADD, where details of memories stick with me for like ever. So when I recall things about my dad, my hero, you can understand why I always talk about his smell, or his smile lines. THOSE are the things that stick with me, because they invoke a feeling of pure joy. I am an incredibly positive person under the blankets of sorrow I have buried myself under when things in my life get too pressurized. Too compact for me to fit in the box of my mind. I get panicky and timid. I think irrationally and act like a spaz. I often strike out at people I love the most because they are the ones whom I trust not to give up on me, and know that these are my "swings" or "waves" as I like to call them because there are always going to be waves in the ocean, but they aren't always going to be big. There are very few of these people left. Most have grown weary of me. I don't blame them! There have been days that my spirit was broken and I was ready to pull the zipper or what have you, and walk out of this madness I called my life. I wasn't searching for an "easy" button. I was searching for the "give me a fucking break" button.

I have really mentally been preparing myself for this perpetual change, because as I have now been seasoned in my "waves" I can now keep a fine toothed comb and only collect the pretty seashells of knowledge that God gives me. Every once in a while there is a  rare pearl in there. And we all know that when you have something valuable, there are always thieves darkening your doorstep from time to time. My thief is my sadness, and this time, I am not going to allow that to even step foot upon my welcome mat. He isn't even allowed to breathe in the stardust that surrounds me. Nope. Not even breathe here.

I am only human. And I am not anything special by any means. I am a daughter of God, first. Then a daughter to my earthly parents, even if one is not physically here. And then I am a woman. And then I am a mother. And then I am a lover. And then I am an artist. In that order. I have limits. I am not superhuman. And I am a crazy mixture of extrovert and introvert, with a pinterest memory all filed under people who have influenced me, which is then subcatergorized into how those people have made me FEEL. That is just how I operate. Don't ask me why, as this is what I am not supposed to know as a normal human being. I am not normal and I am not extraordinary. I am just me, as God made me, imperfect, and sometimes I have to shed my shell. I think I shed it alot more than most, emotionally. Or I may be just like you, but since no one talks about their failures, I just don't understand what is wrong with me is actually just being a human being. Who knows. I have no problem saying I'm imperfect. I know I am. That is EVIDENT.

When I don't feel good about something, it makes me clam up, cease all motion, want to crawl into bed and forget the bad. When I feel passionate about something, I will crawl on my hands and knees about it and then nurture it as much as I can. When I am brought bad energy about things, I cannot or emotionally will not do anything more with it. I am a light seeker. I am constantly wanting to be filled up with light. I am a discontented learner. A gypsy soul. I can't help it. That's who I am. Does that make me a bad person? I have begged that question of my soul alot lately. What am I searching for and why am I not satisfied with what is right before me professionally, when at one time it was everything I always wanted? Because my focus was not clear. It was clouded, with things seen and unseen. I was not enlightened on what was going on in my daily life because there were too many smoke and mirrors in my way. What i did not know was that this path was not mine to take. It's time. I have my map, and ready  to learn how to walk free again.

I also came into this profession with the naive sense that people were who they said they were. Everyday we meet others who mask and hide their spirits away in this grandiose exterior. And you know how when you need eggs, or milk or that just one thing that it just isn't worth putting on the makeup and real pants for at the store, and then you see everyone you do not want to see, looking like something that just crawled out of a Louisiana swamp? That's me. I'm THAT chick. From day one I was shoved into this competition of sorts, that I didn't want anything to do with, and for a while was under the guise that i really wasn't in it. That's the game, folks. People aren't that genuine anymore. Yes, I did get guidance at first from my mentors, do NOT get me wrong, and I still have guidance from some that I have weeded out in this ocean of plastic staged waters. But they are only people I can count on one hand. That makes me sick, and sad. I am not trying to be anyone's competition. I didn't ask to be treated that way. I only wanted to be accepted, always. I was naive to think that would happen. This is business. Not pleasure, remember? That sad part is, I still have my fingernails now piercing the skin of that passion, and that passion is bleeding out. Victim of a bleeding desire. The thing with blood is, that it runs out. And then it dies.

Remember when I said that when I find something that brings me light, I nurture it? Remember as a kid, or maybe your toddler does it; They love something so much that when they love it to the most maximum point, they end up hurting it? That's me. I am THAT chick. But those days are over. I now have my pearl. I now have a clear mindset (ahh, there it is!) and I am feeling less stressed because I have realized. I can't handle what this profession has made me. And I am no longer allowing this thing that does not serve my psyche in the way I need it to to take me and shove my ass in that box and lock me in. I am not doing that anymore. It ruined a marriage, it left me with regrets, and it has ruined some of the most important relationships in my life. And that is a detail that I cannot allow to stay in my filing cabinet mind.

I am taking a hiatus from Jamie Temple Photography. I am not quitting, I am not leaving for good. I am just taking time off. It may be a while, it may be months. But when I come back, I am not going to be doing what I have been doing in the past. It's not who I am, and if I am not doing the things that bring my heart joy, then I am misusing the tools, talents and sweet inspirations that God is bestowing upon me. And I am through not listening to my sacred voice. Will I make mistakes? You bet your ass, I will. Because I am only human. Because, we all make mistakes now, don't we? I just choose to be vocal about them. Because if I can help someone else feel human, then I will. THAT is what makes me wealthy of spirit. And that is the only kind of rich I want to be during my numbered days on this earth.

Why am I doing this? Because I now have reason to want to be in my life. Before I was aching to be appreciated for what I was bringing forth. To be honest, people twisted that in every direction but the right one. And it was not working anyway. I finally faced my demons head on, and literally head on. There was a large boom, and I was thrown on my ass, with a great big finger in my face scolding me. With a big backhanded slap in the face, I was told to wake up to what was going on around me before it ate me alive. And babycakes, I opened up a freaking can of worms that no one was ready for; not even me. And I got cast in a bad light every day of the week, by everyone and their brother who had ears. And I got a big fat taste of my own medicine. And then I remembered, "I messed up, I'm sorry, please forgive me, please let me learn from it, and thank you for the forgiveness." And then life went on. And the more I did that, even if i didn't always feel contented in it, I can let it go and get back to the real roots of me.

I'm ok, and that's ok, and I don't need to be in this game I never asked to be in anymore. I will only make art for me now. And if I choose to ask people to be a part of my art, I will ask. But I will not beg, and I will not go against what I believe so truly is ingrained in my soul to do. I am not a competitor. I am only human with a radiant range of emotion. That's all I can ask of my soul. As it will not offer any more than that, and I am not selling my soul anymore.

So ta-ta, for now, everyone. I will not be scheduling as often after this summer, and I will only be taking the appointments I really want to do. I am booking my last wedding tomorrow for 2014, unless there is something I want to do creatively.
Thank you for all of the support, as I know I have a few people who do support me in this decision. And by a few, i mean a very important few. Time for my spirit and I to reconnect again.

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